Today I was looking at facebook and there was a plus size model who is 5'4" and a size 22 which is what I am. It really makes me wonder why I need to lose weight to feel beautiful, shouldn't I feel beautiful no matter what my size, that's the real question. Why do we condemn the beautiful just because they are plus size? I really think it is a shame that the media and society says you have to be a certain size to be beautiful, to be loved and to be healthy. Last time I checked being too thin was just as unhealthy as being too big, but why is it more acceptable, why is it looked upon as an illness while those who are over weight are looked at as big fat pigs who need to stop shoveling food in their mouthes. I rarely hear of people being made fun of for being skinny, but it seems everyday I hear about someone being mistreated or abused verbally for being over weight. I think if we helped those that needed to lose weight rather than break them down the world may be a more healthy place. I can tell you from experience, there is always an underlying reason for the overeating. It is never just about the food. So the next time you want to make fun of or bully someone for being over weight maybe you should think about the reason they over eat

When it comes to exercise I need something different. It really sucks because my weight prevents me from doing the kinds of exercise I really want to do such as kick boxing and hiking. I really would love to be more active, but I'm always so tired. Maybe that's because of what I eat, I'm sure if I ate better I would feel better and in turn I would be able to exercise more. What a wicked cycle, I mean think about it we eat because we are depressed, we are depressed because we are fat and we are fat because we eat. I read this thing on facebook that said something in they way of "Why are kids fat? Because a burger is $1 and a salad is $5. That is so true, but if you think about it buying all that junk food and fast food can be more expensive that buying the makings for a salad. I really do jump topics, lol. Ok so today I feel ok which since I've been on meds is most days, but my eating still isn't under control. Why oh why does junk food have to taste so good and be so bad for you. I bet if I had a better area to work out I may do it more, who am I kidding no I wouldn't. See that is what I am talking about no motivation. In my mind I look at these beautiful women and think they are naturally like that, but they aren't. They diet and exercise to look that way and it's not even about dieting, it's about eating healthy.

So I thought I would start a blog for all to see because they say when you are trying to lose weight you should share your journey with others. Let me start at the beginning. I can remember first being fat in 6th grade I wasn’t too big, but I felt chunky so I stopped eating. I got down to 100 lbs and it seemed like no one even noticed that I was skin and bones. I began gaining the weight back and the end of 8th grade. I have gotten bigger and bigger ever since then and it’s hard. I work a full time job and go to school, I suffer from depression and ADHD and I help my Grandmother who I live with. I am currently about 275 LBS and don’t get me wrong I am strong and have no health problems as of yet, but my confidence is severely lacking. Do I feel beautiful, no, would I date me, no. I see these women on tv and most of them look like teenage boys to me and that does not appeal to me what so ever. Some of my body idols are the Divas of the WWE and Coco (Ice T’s wife). They have curves, they are strong and they look healthy. I see the women the grace the pictures of Oxygen magazine and I wish that was me. So why can’t I be motivated to exercise and eat right, what is wrong with me! When will I have my moment that moment when something just clicks, when something within you changes. I have so many hopes and dreams and I know as long as I am the size I am they will never come true. This is not the body I’m suppose to be in.